Lessons from Marriage Applied to Politics?

I’m wondering about marriage and politics, two uniquely U.S. institutions, both deeply flawed but seem destined to be around for awhile. Wondering if thoughts about one—marriage—could help understand the other. With my help, of course.

In a month I will have been married 42 years. To the same woman. So naturally I start to wonder about arguments. We both have advanced degrees in communication. So naturally we don’t argue well. We are both strong individuals who do not like to be controlled. So naturally we don’t fit well together in the yokes called marriage, where two thinking, feeling, individuals are supposed to become one, er, something or other.

I don’t think it is possible, or desirable, for two people “to become one”. That’s why at least half of us who do get married, despite their best efforts wind up involved in serial marriages. The other half, like me, settle for whatever positives of relationships there might be, engage in mass compromises, and/or don’t expect to become part of “the one” but rather opt for a “one plus one equals who knows what” marriage definition. With this half, the compromise level never reaches the point of pain and suffering either, usually.

I don’t think it is possible, or desirable, for multiple people serving in Congress (politicians) “to become one” either. But they do have to live with one another for some period of time. And there is an expectation that they will, while living together, engage in productive behavior, isn’t there? And productive behavior, as in marriage, requires some level of compromise and acknowledgment of the other’s existence, doesn’t it?

I wonder if maybe that lessons can be learned from that flawed institution of marriage?

I’m listening to the vitriol being spewed on the airways today by demagogues disguised as politicians and talk show hosts. Compromise is despised. Wonder if they are married? How many times?

I don’t believe a “happily married man” would call a woman a slut in public and ask to see her sex tapes without seriously apologizing to his spouse, his spouse’s family, the Elks Club, maybe the person called the slut, her family, etc. He would also ask for forgiveness and buy his wife, and her mother, flowers and  a new toy.  Lesson from marriage to talk show politician?

I don’t believe men and women who have been married for awhile seriously expect that compromise is evil and that it is either “my way or the highway”. Those who do find themselves on the highway a lot.  Lesson for evangelical politicians in Congress?

I played a doctor in the academic classroom for 35 years. I played a husband in the marriage classroom for 42 years. Here, using my experiences, and marriage as a herbal remedy, are my  prescriptions for politicians.

1.   Do not expect to change the other person. Ain’t gonna happen. That person will of course change over time, but it ain’t under your control, bubba.

Progressives are not going to make Tea Partiers in their own image; Tea Partiers are not going to make Progressives drink their Koolaid.

2. Do expect to change yourself. You have that power. You have that responsibility—goes with the commitment. Use it wisely. Don’t be afraid of the “flip flop” label; intelligence, rationality and commitment to the positions called spouse or Representative or Senator demand compromise.

3.   Expect to engage in a lot of compromise. Compromise ‘til it hurts, son. Do not begin the relationship by stubbornly saying you ain’t gonna compromise. It’ll make you look bad when you do. And you will.

It is the nature of the beasts, marriage and politics, in the U.S. Love it or leave it.

4.     If you get to a point where you can’t compromise anymore without losing your self, get out of the relationship.  Get divorced.

Yes, resign your position and go back home. You got your pension, you got your PAC’s shoulders to cry on, you got your kids’ college tuitions paid for. Quit with dignity and go find another relationship.

5.   Say you are sorry when you do or say something stupid, and if you don’t mean it, work on your delivery until you sound like you do believe it.

Sorry, radio talk show hosts. I don’t have a prescription for you. Not a fan of hopeless causes.